PrintFood vs. Inlaws: curiouser and curiouser
For those of you who are amused by my ongoing struggles with cooking for the inlaws, this is an update. You may have read that last weekend, things were complicated even more when DH went to visit for a cup of coffee, and as he was leaving, MIL handed DH an empty container that I had used to give them ice cream last time. She said that she didn't want any refills as FIL is on a diet and can't have any more ice cream.
This put a crimp on Sunday's dinner menu, if I couldn't have his favorite home made ice cream. But if it was a medical diet, I didn't want to sabotage anything. And if it was an ingredient issue, I would have found a way to work around it.
So I called FIL to see if he could have some ice cream at our house, even if I didn't give him any ice cream to take home. His response was that he'd never heard such a thing (that he was on a diet or that he couldn't have ice cream) and that MIL was "making it up."
There's something weird in the water at that house. I have NO idea what this is about. It would make sense if FIL was feeble and needed someone to watch his diet for him, but that's not the case.
Sunday will be interesting, that's for sure.
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31 Comments:
Interesting struggle for control of some sort going on there...
What happens when you ask MIL what she would like for dessert?
I have kind of a similar situation with some relatives. After spending lots of time and effort on meal prep, I am now trying the what would you like strategy. Less stressful and mostly more successful so far, even if it means I am making or buying some things I normally wouldn't (one event involved take-out from Subway sandwiches...).
souvenir at 2:47PM on 06/27/08
Hi db--I read this and your last post, and it seems to me that there is a communiations issue and possibly a power struggle, becuse your MIL is speaking for FIL both times, telling you that there are things he can't have or doesn't like.
Personally, I would handle this by bursting into tears and telling your MIL that you're "so confused" because "everyone's telling me something different." MIL will then accuse FIL of confusing you. FIL will ask why MIL insists on vetting his diet like he's some little kid.
As long as your husband can avoid taking sides, MIL and FIL should be able to hack each other apart and come to some sort of conclusion, which will not involve telling you anything about food, because one thing the ILs will be able to agree upon is that you're such a troublemaker.
Glad I could help.
annien at 2:48PM on 06/27/08
Maybe MIL is on a diet and doesn't want to make a big deal about it. Maybe she thinks FIL is gaining weight and doesn't want to make a big deal about it. Maybe MIL is just weird.
Serve them some nice fruit and let it go :)
Kerosena at 3:09PM on 06/27/08
I say make the ice cream and see what happens. It would interesting to see how your inlaws respond to the situation.
AuntJone at 3:12PM on 06/27/08
Oh good one Kerosena! The ex MIL used to say that the ex FIL hated driving in the dark but in reality it was her. She just needed to make it something outside of herself for some reason. I don't know if she felt it had more weight or if she wanted the blame to be on someone else. In dbcurrie's case I'd hope for the best as she says MIL is otherwise nice.
What I am worried about long distance is whether there isn't a medical issue going on that's causing the MIL's confusion issues. Most people don't intend to be difficult and it's something to take note of when it starts to happen when it didn't before. It could be medications that need adjusting or something else that needs attention.
This is an interesting saga though. I can hardly wait for the next installment of All My Dinners... or is it General Hospitable?
As the meal burns?
Sieseye at 3:26PM on 06/27/08
Perhaps you are a better cook than MIL, and she is jealous....handling it passively aggressively, and using FIL as a scapegoat. I say cook what you'd like, and let MIL deal with it.
mepolo at 3:28PM on 06/27/08
Prepare the menu you've planned. If there's something someone doesn't like/want, or whatever, then they don't have to eat that dish.
beth1 at 3:47PM on 06/27/08
@Sieseye, "Most people don't intend to be difficult"? Really? Have you ever had a mother-in-law?
annien at 3:49PM on 06/27/08
@annien -- yes, see the first line in my comment above. She's the best part of that whole "ex" thing I have going on.
But that is why I said "most" instead of just people. I do think the minority is what causes stereotypes to form. As people we notice the difficult. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
But you can disagree. That's okay too.
Sieseye at 4:15PM on 06/27/08
meplo beat me too it, I think there's a power struggle here ... and it has to do with your cooking ability. You've already "stolen" her son, and now her husband favors your cooking, too! I think you need to inject some humor to this situation to diffuse it.
SSMom at 4:58PM on 06/27/08
Yeah, I have to say I'm in the "make what you want" camp here too. There appear to be no food allergies involved here, just weirdness. If they've eaten what you've made in the past without an issue (which sounds like it was the case before the series of bizarre conversations with your MIL) then they will most likely continue to eat whatever you choose to make. MIL will get over it.
Amandarama at 5:29PM on 06/27/08
I dunno. I had a notion that maybe MIL doesn't like that FIL likes my cooking so much better than hers, but it was just a fleeting moment. She's very frank about the fact that she doesn't like to cook, she doesn't care what anything tastes like, and she sees no reason to do anything differently. Once, when FIL was praising the home made ice cream (and there's no competition here, since she's not about to make ice cream) she said that all she wants is for it to be cold and sweet, and beyond that, none of it makes a bit of difference.
On the other hand, she has praised my cooking to all the distant daughters-in-law and daughters. I don't know if she was trying to get them riled up over it or what, but I heard about it.
Whatever. We're having steak on Sunday. Baked potatoes. Green beans and (maybe) carrots. Ice cream for dessert. Once she asked me why my green beans come out so much better than hers, and I started saying that I start with fresh beans (she uses frozen) and at that point she stopped me and said that she wouldn't go through that much trouble.
dbcurrie at 7:27PM on 06/27/08
I'll wager FIL said something nice about the ice cream, and it went up MIL's nose sideways. I had the epitome of the stereotype of the awful MIL, and she played so many of these types of games. You don't want DH to have to feel in the middle, but you also don't want to be the one having to deal with this. The best way to handle this (if it is indeed what is happening, and time will tell) is not to let her get you down, and if something needs to be said, your husband has to be the one to say it. It's his mother, and that way, she can't turn it around on you.
I put up with it for a long time, as I didn't want to make waves.
Mares at 8:10PM on 06/27/08
It's called sabotage. Motive? Probably jealousy. You are admired by your husband and her husband. Me thinks she is also an instigator and sneaky. That doesn't mean she doesn't genuinely care for you, but you do something much better, even if she has no interest in competing (or ability to compete). She carries the competition further, by trying to make the other daughters-in-law jealous of your talent and guilty for living so far away. She is a spider who has created this web of lies and is in danger of getting caught red-handed. She wants everyone, especially her husband and sons to think more highly of her than their wives. How do I know all this? I've been there. What did I do about it? Smiled and acted like it didn't bother me. Do I regret not confronting her? Not for a moment. It was sad really. It wasn't worth it to expose her insecurities and cause conflict. She's gone now and I miss her.
PerkyMac at 8:13PM on 06/27/08
Man alive, I don't envy you. Once he asks MIL why she said such a thing, there's gonna be some hollering.
I think the fruit idea is the best. If you want to do something "showoffy" with the fruit do meringues which are a lower fat way to shine.
Either way, stay out of the line of fire...LOL.
chiff0nade at 8:29PM on 06/27/08
this reminds of when i used to go up to my ex boyfriend's cabin with his mother and father. his mother was in her 90's, skinny, toothless, and not interested in food or cooking in the slightest, but my bf and his dad were seriously into my delicious food -- especially his dad, who couldn't stop thanking me over and over and telling me how great it all was. she used to try to do anything she could to derail dinner, like making for the outhouse as soon as i began serving, or insisting on pulling her rotting restaurant leftovers out of ice chest and putting them, all dripping, on the table.
cybercita at 8:37PM on 06/27/08
You know how I get around having to cook for my inlaws? I don't do it anymore. My MIL can thank herself for that.
Southern_bella at 8:45PM on 06/27/08
Well, it'll be an interesting Sunday. Or completely uneventful. We'll see.
I don't know why we dine with each other, really, since our tastes are so different. I've told them both that if they lived with us they'd starve to death because they'd eat so little of what I normally cook. Cooking for them is always a struggle of trying to come up with something that I can be happy with, and at the same time, it's something they will like. Yes, I could open a jar of Ragu, but I wouldn't serve something that I dislike.
The alternative, going to eat with them, means that we're dining on MILs cooking. We eat what she serves, but that can be a challenge as well. It's a tossup which alternative is worse.
On the other hand, they're nice people. We enjoy conversation with them, and it would be fine if we just got together for cocktails or something. But she really likes the whole "dinner party" thing, so that's what we end up doing.
I'll survive. If I could survive my own mother, this is a walk in the park.
dbcurrie at 9:50PM on 06/27/08
Good luck. If it were me I'd open a package of SnackWells (in front of her), nicely arrange them on a pretty dish, and call it dessert. That would lessen the cooking competition aspect and take care of any "dieting" issues.
moibec at 10:52PM on 06/27/08
One other thought, db: sometimes behavior changes in the elderly are a sign that something could be wrong. Not necessarily Alzheimer's or dementia; could be depression, or even dehydration causing confusion. Even if MIL is only in her 60s, older people are prey to this sort of thing...just forgetting to take care of oneself.
annien at 1:17AM on 06/28/08
@annien, these people are in good health for their ages, and pretty sharp as well. And MIL does like to manipulate without seeming like she is doing so. Whether she's trying to pull my strings or her husband's, I don't know.
DH and I just has a chat about the situation, and one thing that surfaced is that MIL sometimes doesn't say things outright, she talks around them. So, for example she thinks I'm a salt-aholic (no clue why she thinks this, but...) so she will make odd comments about how she doesn't use any salt, or if I mention that I had a headache, she'll make obtuse comments about how she had high blood pressure but she's taking pills for it and she no longer gets headaches, but she won't come out and ask if I'm using too much salt when I cook or if my blood pressure is an issue. (I'm fine, by the way.) So, this whole limiting of foodstuffs nonsense could be one of her ways of talking around an issue without saying what she means. She could be worried that I spend too much money on food, or she could imagine that all we eat at home is ice cream. If this is the case, sooner or later her comments will spiral in more towards the point she is trying to make and it all will become clear.
DH is also completely on my side, as far as any issues with his mom. So that's not a problem. We've already decided that we'll confront them head-on about the "we don't like any spices at all" issue and we'll get an acceptable answer out of them if we have to deny them dessert until they fess up. Depending on how fun that is, we may confront them with my list of their likes and dislikes and get this straightened out. I'll happily cook for them, and I'll avoid things they don't like, but I'm NOT gonna serve hot dogs at Thanksgiving.
DH also agreed with someone who posted that MIL may actually be jealous of the attention that my cooking gets from her husband, but as far as DH is concerned, "too bad." I cook the way I cook, and he's plenty happy with it, so if she's got issues, they are her problem. (He's a keeper, eh?)
dbcurrie at 1:40AM on 06/28/08
@annien -- hmmm... in my second paragraph, just before the line you took objection to earlier is the exact concern you repeat in your latest comment... so it's nice to know you agree with me after all... I guess.
You wouldn't happen to be my ex-MIL would you?
:]
Sieseye at 4:44AM on 06/28/08
It's totally obvious she's jealous of your cooking so she's trying to make a virtue of her bad cooking/not caring about food. It's like when someone makes a 'virtue' about not working out/not caring about eating healthy food/ loving fast food to a runner or gym rat by saying it's vain to take an interest in your health.
She praises you to the other children because she wants something to hold over their heads.
Stop playing her game--the more you downgrade your food and crimp your style, the more she wins. The more you care, the more she wins.
Going to dinner parties does not make the hostess a short-order cook. I've eaten food I hate (yum...stale white bread and iceberg lettuce with olive oil and no seasoning anyone)or barely eaten at all at family functions. If your FIL tells you directly he can't eat something, file that away, fine, but ignore all of these little 'messages' from your MIL and change the topic. You use spices wonderfully, she can't, so she makes a virtue of not being able to/not liking it/pretends her husband can't eat it...don't play the game.
Re: the ice cream--if you want it, make it. He can always refuse. Personally I think he made some vague, forgotten comment to your MIL "maybe I should cut down," and she used this as an excuse to make you look silly. Serve what you like for every course, don't make a big deal about the food and when she mentions it, put her voice on mute in your mind.
HeartofGlass at 7:30AM on 06/28/08
I had a weird food relationship with my MIL. I didn't like her in general and thought her totally inappropriate in most things (she once asked me how her son was in bed. Ewwww.) Anyhow, she was actually a pretty good cook and in my efforts to make the boyfriend happy and ingratiate myself to her I would occasionally ask her for recipes that BF loved. She would give them to me, but each and every one of them was sabotaged. She'd either leave out ingredients or make the oven too hot or add ingredients that really didn't belong. I'd thought it was just me until I showed BF the recipe she gave me for his favorite oven barbequed chicken and he burst out laughing. And when she'd come to dinner, nothing would be right. She never said outright that anything sucked, but she'd be all like, "well, dear, it's really not bad and I'm sure that once you learn how to cook it will be lovely. Honestly? The best part of booting him out of my house was not having to deal with her any longer.
chisai at 8:50AM on 06/28/08
@chisai...........LESSIPES - remember that thread? MIL is the worst offender for leaving out an ingredient or two. I only have daughters and don't understand why mothers of sons have this need to sabotage their sons SO's.
PerkyMac at 8:59AM on 06/28/08
I don't have a [i]current[/i] MIL - already having had [i]three[/i]. Yes, I know, I deserve a purple heart for having been wounded in action.
So far, BF's mother loves my cooking. Will this change if he becomes more than a BF? ((Shrugs)) Who knows? But for the time being, both his dad and mom love my cooking. (Whew)
chiff0nade at 10:46AM on 06/28/08
Ok, as, it appears, the only MIL in the room let me drop in a few thoughts. I have one DIL (soon to be ex) who does not cook at all and one who is a fabulous cook. The latter lovely lady and I share recipes and cook together. She is pregnant at the moment and isn't hungry for or cooking meat so my son has asked that I drop in with BBQ etc whenever the mood strikes and she seems delighted that that issue is solved. The other MIL hated it when I cooked at her house, even when she required me to do it ( she always had to work instead of shop for Thanksgiving or Christmas meals...they were married for 9 years and she prepared one meal for us.)
Other than that issue she and I got along famously and I didn't realize how much she hated me until she left. So, the bottom line is that there are issues at work that have nothing to do with food. It is all about control ...and can go from MIL to DIL and backwards.
ocarol at 11:43AM on 06/28/08
I too am an MIL. My SIL loves my cooking as does his parents. She can't cook at all, but thinks she can. She brings some of the worst slop to holiday dinners and her kids eat it up! Equally, they eat everything I bring with delight.
One VERY important note: She self medicates. ;-D
@db I wish you a lovely dinner tomorrow. As long as DH has your back, the rest is a no-brainer. Make what you and DH like to eat and let the IL's decide if they want to eat what you make.
izatryt at 7:46PM on 06/28/08
There are a few scenarios.
1) FIL is in denial about a cholestrol issue (most men are) and doesn't "acknowledge" ice cream as a threat.
2) MIL enjoyed the ice cream and she has the cholestrol issue and is in denial (most women refuse to admit it is them and blame the husband)
3) MIL is on a diet and wants to blame the husband (rule 2 again)
4) the ice cream was great and she is afraid she or he or they will eat it
5) the ice cream was not to their liking so she is being honest and not very kind
6) MIl is a control freak and wants to watch everything FIL puts in his mouth for her own reasons
7) FIL is lactose intolerant and the milk products give him gas (something men are in denial about) and FIl doesn't mind but she does
JerzeeTomato at 11:05PM on 06/28/08
You are a grown woman, as is she. Can't you ask her directly about your concerns and her "issues"? You don't have to be disrespectful, and certainly you don't want to start a dinner table fight, but after dinner, when the dishes are going in the sink, pull her aside and speak directly and calmly to her. You would not tolerate undercutting comments from a
co-worker, you would not allow back talk, spoken under the breath, from a child. Her off-hand comments are the same thing. Let your hubby know, he sounds supportive, but this seems to be an issue between you and her, keep hubby and FIL out of it if at all possible.
If that doesn't work, you know you have stood up for yourself. Put it aside and strike a balance between accommodation to her, and cooking what you damn well please.
erinlovestoeat at 11:25PM on 06/28/08
Sieseye, I'm no one's MIL. I think my problem is I don't read carefully enough before I write a response. But the upshot is that you and I certainly do agree with each other.
annien at 11:37PM on 06/28/08