Serious Eats - seriouseats.com

My ex was a militant vegetarian.

After we broke up, I helped her move stuff into her new apartment on Charles St. It was a hot summer day so I cracked open the windows to let some air in. Soon as the air trickled in, we were greeted by the unmistakable smell of bacon. Turns out she moved next door to the Corner Bistro.

I went next door and ordered a bistro burger with a double helping of bacon. Pig never tasted so sweet.

It was a Sunday, in 2001, and I was hosting 5 good friends at my favorite Chinese restaurant in nyc - Phoenix Garden - on 40th between 2nd and 3rd. It was one of those special nights where everything that came out of the kitchen was perfect; honey glazed ribs, pea shoots with crab, salt baked prawns, squab in lettuce leaves, filet mignon casserole – it was all bang-on! I was the king. I could do no wrong.

Being a collective group of greedy pigs, we decided to order one more dish. I call over the proprietor who has been running restaurants for longer than I’m alive and ask his help selecting our perfect ending.

The exchange went something like this…

(Me: Long haired blonde, typical sarcastic ny’er)
(Him: Looks and acts a bit like the father in Ang Lee’s “Eat, Drink, Man, Woman”)

Me: “What a great meal. What do you suggest we get to top it off?”
Him “You should get Peking Duck. Best in Ny”
Me: “That sounds great, we’d like a whole duck”
Him: “Very good. One duck takes 30 minutes”
Me: (said with a wink) “Oh no, that’s a long time. If we get ½ a duck can you do it in 15 minutes?”
Him: (said in a loud, agitated voice as he stormed away from table) “You can not rush good food. I get you check”

Clearly, Im not that funny, but I have a long track record p1ssing off asian
restaurant proprietors and wait staff.

More recently, I asked our waitress at Noodles on 28th if they would be changing their name to Noodles on 29th when they moved a block uptown.

She didn't even crack a smile.